Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News