Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
12653.