Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Meanwhile in Portland…
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Same post same
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human