I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Interior design 👌
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!