Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.