My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*