Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”