I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
new career option?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles