Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
You Might Also Like
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
also my go-to takeaway order
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
ouch
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.