I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I think my mom just blocked me
Cardio Made Easy
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.