me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM