“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced