2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.