ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad