[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
This is what makes twitter great
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
#titanic
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.