*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
selfie game
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth