Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love