Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
black phone good
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.