Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Try and stop me.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!