[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
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you stereotypes are all alike
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while