Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
🤭😂
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.