Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Science memes
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent