doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Huge, if true.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
first you must answer his riddles
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”