When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes