Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
You Might Also Like
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs