“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My dad teaching me to drive
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?