Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]