The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.