Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
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they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”