I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Just me?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.