Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss