if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Respect
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂