I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.