Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Need WebMD
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.