date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
You Might Also Like
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
liiiiiiiiike
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
pep talk
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“I wouldn’t.”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade