Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Weirdos gonna weird.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.