I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You Might Also Like
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists