His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I am never leaving this website
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.