BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The options really are this bad
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.