Love this one 😂🧟
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?