How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.