Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies