My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
☠️☠️☠️
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.