An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
We’re all getting idioter.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.