Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I bet
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks