People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way