[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I cannot call her anything else now
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek