Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.