Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️