Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.